


Death By A Thousand Cuts

by ninthdreamie



Series: 1SSH [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Reminiscing, Underage Drinking, jisung cries a lot and that hurted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:35:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21756895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninthdreamie/pseuds/ninthdreamie
Summary: “If I’d be something in space, I’d be a star.” Chenle points at the night sky with his forefinger, giggling. “It would be so nice to shine so brightly amidst the darkness. I wish I could be that person for everyone I love.”
Relationships: Park Jisung/Zhong Chen Le
Series: 1SSH [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1568077
Comments: 8
Kudos: 28





	Death By A Thousand Cuts

**Author's Note:**

> hi, so this is entry 2 of my 1ssh, which i posted on twt (and an irl of mine req me to write a story based on t.swift’s dbtac)!!! and i highkey regret writing this bc this is my first fic abt chensung and it has to be THIS sad like .___. but anyways, i hope u all enjoy....this sad sad thingy...

**_Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts, flashbacks waking me up._ **

**_I get drunk but it’s not enough, ‘cause the morning comes, and you’re not my baby._ **

_—_

The sun greets Jisung a little too harshly by being the first thing he sees the moment he opens his eyes. He groans, raising an arm to shield his face from the light. God, what time is it?

And where in the world is he?

_“Hey, wake up! You’re getting late.”_

_“Five more min—,”_

_Before he can even finish his sentence, a much heavier body is now resting against his stomach. It felt like he got elbowed, near the belly button. Jisung gasps and screams at the same time, if that is even possible. The pain goes through every part of his body, and he is suddenly forced to wake up._

_He isn’t happy about it at all, but the person laughing at his misery is. And to be honest, he does not have the heart to be mad at all._

_Not when it’s Zhong Chenle, he thinks._

_A very shrill laugh echoes in the room. Jisung notices that Chenle’s voice has not been hit by puberty yet. “Good morning, Park Jisung!”_

And after that, the pain that gets to his head is almost unbearable. It’s like two hammers are hitting on it mercilessly. Jisung tries to be conscious of his breathing, distract himself from the physical pain he is going through.

Of course, he blacked out. Again, he has no idea how his parents tracked him down. Jisung likes to believe that he passed out on the side of the road. He is wondering why his dad isn’t scolding him for that, when he should, because it’s something he likes doing lately.

It’s what he does to forget things, to forget the boy who came into his life so quick and disappeared in the blink of an eye. Jisung knows it’s bad, but that’s what Chenle does.

If he had to associate Chenle with something aside from his charming voice, his infectious smile, and his childlike enthusiasm, it’d be a bottle of beer.

Because at least, through the liquid that is slowly killing his liver, he lives on. As he should.

Jisung doesn’t notice that he is already crying as his brain brings his best friend back to life, lying right next to him. His bright pupils looking into his hopeless ones. Chenle giggling at whatever is there for him to giggle about.  
  
  


—

**_I dress to kill my time, I take the long way home._ **

**_I asked the traffic lights if it’ll be alright, they say, “I don’t know.”_ **

  
  
—

_“The light’s already green! Let’s go!”_

_Chenle holds his hand tighter, but he doesn’t take a huge step forward. Jisung looks at the people beginning to walk past them, walk down the pedestrian lane like it was normal. Like there would be no car hitting them so suddenly. He would want to ask them how they do that, without fear._

_Jisung gulps the lump down his throat. He finally looks at Chenle, his eyes as bright as the red light that tells them to not walk just yet._

_But rather than feeling scared and being overly conscious of the sinking feeling in his stomach, a calm wave washes over him in that moment._

_The light turns green._

_Cautiously, the two of them begin to walk. In fact, they were slower than the people they were with, but it was okay. Chenle always seems to adjust to Jisung whenever needed._

And now that he is no longer here, he feels forced to walk a little faster, to let the anxiety in him punch every part of his lanky frame.

Perhaps he will never get used to him not being around anymore, but he has to look like he will be fine. That’s why he dresses up much better than before just so the people around them don’t see that he can’t move on just yet. That he can’t forget Chenle just yet.

“Will I be okay?” He blurts out as the light turns green. Everyone dashes past him, probably going back to their homes or going to some nightclubs to have fun. Jisung walks with a pace similar to that of an old man.

He likes to think that Chenle is watching over him, answering his question that _yeah, you’ll be fine_. But he knows that that’s not the case.

The light turns yellow...or orange, he can’t really tell. Maybe that means something. Maybe.  
  
  


—

**_You said it was a great love, one for the ages. But if the story’s over, why am I still writing pages?_ **  
  


—

_“I’ve had many friends in my life, but…” Chenle takes another sip of the alcoholic concoction he made, his Cheshire cat like grin slowly changing to a calmer, more genuine smile. “You’re the only friend.”_

_He raises his eyebrow at the seemingly unfinished sentence. Jisung hopes that he is not drunk, because he doesn’t really know how to tend to people who submit fully to the effects of alcohol. He does not know a lot of things like Chenle does._

_He takes a sip of his chocolate milk. “I don’t understand.” Jisung shyly mutters._

_“Oh!” And then Chenle’s high-pitched, obnoxious laughter echoes around the polished corners of his bedroom. It’s funny how for someone affluent, he lacks so much poise and snobbishness and grace. “What I mean is, you’re the only friend I like.”_

_Chenle rests his head against Jisung’s shoulder, yawning. He also stretches his feet. “I just look at you and think that we’re going to be the best friends among all the best friends in the world. You and me. Best friends of the century.”_

_Just like that, he begins to snore and Jisung realizes that he has been staying in his expensive home for so long. It’s already ten in the evening. Oh no, he’s done for._

_But he does not forget to tuck him in, because Chenle likes being surrounded with his warm blankets. He also does not forget to say goodnight before he finally leaves. He does not forget to text him that he got home safely a few minutes before he sleeps as well._

He does not forget to visit his best friend’s parents as well. It’s Chenle’s favorite day of the week, Thursday, when he has dinner with them in their home.

Jisung has already had dinner with them a few times, even back when Chenle was still around. They still leave his usual spot empty. But his parents look fine, like they’ve already moved on.

It frustrates him that he can’t do the same yet. Compared to them, he can’t help but look back at what he lost. But Jisung keeps in mind that everyone grieves differently.

Some recover and go on with life. Some don’t manage to do both. Some never heal, but they still move forward because they know it’s what would make their loved ones happy.

And just as he feels like he’s going to cry right in front of them, Mrs. Zhong serves him a slice of steak with a smile that strongly resembles his best friend’s. Jisung suddenly remembers that Chenle did this a lot for him too.

Mr. Zhong pats his head afterwards, and Jisung holds in his tears. He’ll let them fall later when he excuses himself from the dining table and gets in the bathroom. For now, he feels like he isn’t the only one still sinking it in and grieving over the fact that Chenle left them six months ago.

They lost their youngest son; Jisung lost the only best friend he will ever have.  
  


—

**_But I’ll be alright, it’s just a thousand cuts._**

—  
  


“Will you be okay?”

Jaemin asks, very concerned. In fact, he is more concerned than everyone else here, more concerned than his own mother. But that’s okay. He has an idea of how much of a big deal this is for him.

Jisung nods, tightly clutching the mini bouquet of flowers he brought. He is suddenly hugged by none other than Jeno, who has not been talking ever since they got here. He reciprocates the hug, a smile gracing his face right after the latter pulls away.

“I might take long, though.”

“Take your time,” Jeno and Jaemin assure him in sync.

Knowing that they mean it, Jisung finally takes a few steps forward and places his bouquet next to the other ones the visitors bought. He does not know much about the language of flowers, but he made sure that the flowers can say something along the lines of _I miss you_ and _I hope you’re doing fine_ and _I’ll be okay._

He also made sure that the prettiest of those flowers were picked, because Chenle deserves the prettiest of things.

It’s been a year, and the pain is still there, reminding him that he will probably never heal. Not that he wants to, anyway.

At least the pain reminds him that a person like Chenle came into his life, and he wanted him to stay forever, but heaven was a much better place for him.

Jisung closes his eyes, still remembers the day he was by his side as he was rushed to the emergency room, holding onto him and screaming that he needed to stay alive. But the wounds he got from the road accident were too much to bear, so he resorted to eternal slumber.

When he opens his eyes, he realizes that his parents are right beside him, finally letting their fronts crumble and crying it all out. Jisung remembers how they blamed themselves for his son’s passing, but it’s not their fault.

It’s no one’s fault. Maybe that’s just how life goes.

He doesn’t wipe the tears slipping down his cheeks. Up to this day, Jisung thinks that Chenle did not deserve to leave the world that way, thought it was too gruesome and cruel. But knowing the latter, he wouldn’t want to be remembered that way.

_“If I’d be something in space, I’d be a star.” Chenle points at the night sky with his forefinger, giggling. “It would be so nice to shine so brightly amidst the darkness. I wish I could be that person for everyone I love.”_

And if Chenle were still here, Jisung would like to tell him personally that he already is one, that he sees him every night and that he still warms his heart.

Jisung lets out a shaky breath, the corner of his lips stretching into a smile as he looks up at the sky.

_We’ll be alright here_ , Jisung tells himself. _I’ll be fine._


End file.
